Is anyone willing to critique my story so far?

And To Hell With Everyone Else!





Chapter 1





What do you do when you meet pressure everywhere and all you want to do is just stop up and scream at the top of your lungs? When your days are so stressed and stretched you go from manipulating your brain in the morning to manipulating the limbs of your body in the afternoon?





Because that’s what I feel at this particular moment. Expectations everywhere, from everyone. Friends, family, teachers. Why can’t anyone see I’m about to collapse in the middle of it all? I can’t stand it anymore!





Sally this, Sally that... It’s like I don’t have the time to be me. Right now, I just want to run away.





From homework.





From dancing lessons.





From everybody around me.





From being imperfect.





From my solo.





Mam’zelle, my trampy ballet teacher, has been so hard on me lately. I feel guilty every time my feet fall from underneath me and she comes over, pulling me up for the umpteenth time.








“You can do it, Sally! Let me see my Sally bloom...”








And I try doing a triple pirouette again... and again... and again... But every time I end up on the floor, or looking like a drunk thirteen-year-old trying to find the way home after a particularly heavy night of partying.





I know she means well, but I just want to let the tears bursting to run down my cheeks let go every time I do something wrong in ballet. I don’t want to disappoint Mam’zelle … but I do. Over and over again.





All this work doesn’t give me many minutes off. Of course, ballet is a part of my leisure time, but nowadays it feels like anything but that. I have been watching friend after friend fade away from me since fifth year, when everything intensified with standardized tests and all. Seen the sadness in their eyes when I whispered,





“Sorry... I have a ballet class that day... and homework.”








And then they started being adopted. And lost contact after a while... and I became the fifth wheel. And they forgot most of the busy, clever Sally Sparrow.





I'm glad the few friends I have are people I know will stick with me till the end. They are friends I can rely on … trust. Thank God for them. If they hadn’t been there, I don’t even dare to thing of what would happen. I would probably be even more of a wretch than I am now.





I used to smile, I used to laugh. I found it easy to reply in a funny way or generally be a happy human being. But at some point that suddenly became very hard. Of course I smile when dancing, but it’s just thirty-two muscles in use in my face. I can’t put my finger on when that happened, but it probably had to do with all the major changes in my body when I became a teenager. Have you heard about that sort of thing? I suddenly lost control when dancing … my body just wouldn’t co-operate, the technique became impossible. My balance played tricks on me. It took years to get back to where I was … and all of it because my body decided it was time to turn into a woman. Of course everybody goes through this process, more or less, but I felt it was extra heavy on me.





My heart doesn’t smile anymore, either.





If you take a closer look, I’d bet anything my eyes don’t smile either. I don’t know what can really make me smile any more.





Another word familiar to me is confusion. I feel like I have never been able to be completely sure about something of importance. Never. I feel like I’m just drifting around, living life in a routine. I can buzz around, not really knowing what I am doing unless it has to do with ballet or school. That’s the only hag I can put anything on. Ballet and school.





Boyfriends and love have ended up the same way as my friends. I remember some temporary crushes I’ve had through the years, but never something serious. I had one boyfriend once, and that lasted for three weeks. I remember our last words so clearly...








“I’m so sorry, Bryn, but I don’t have time. You know what I mean... I’m too busy for this relationship to continue, and there are... circumstances.”





“Too busy, Sally? When will you stop being busy? How will you ever be able to live life when you’re so dedicated to everything but me? I thought I would be your number one priority... But the way it looks now, I don't think you'll be able to put any future boyfriends first either...”








I had stormed out of the dancing studio, still having dancewear on. He was so right. A part of me had turned him down because I knew I wasn’t really in love. My feelings for him had been too ‘friend-like’ when it came down to it. I had fooled myself, thought I was in love when I was really just longing for somebody’s arms around me, somebody who could understand me and love me. When he pointed out the busy-part to me I felt a whip of pain soar through my body. He was so right I was almost afraid to admit it.


I was so glad we only had one night of kissing and cuddling. I think it was then I found out it wasn't supposed to be us after all.





That is another one of my invisible mistakes. I hate taking risks. I never want to do something if I’m not sure exactly how it will turn out. I don’t even dare to fall in love any more. It's too risky. Getting hurt by a bloke I think is right for me is something that definitely won’t do my self-image a favour. Everything makes me feel less valuable. Even when I received top marks in most of my exams last year did I feel the jolt of joy inside me I ought to have felt. My teacher, Mr. McKinley, didn’t stop bragging around about the result of my Math exam, as I was one of her three favourite students who received over a ninety. I didn’t exactly feel proud, I just breathed out in relief because now nobody had anything to put their finger on.





The mirror is my worst enemy these days. When I look onto the blank surface that shows me my reflection... I don’t see anything worth being proud of. I have always despised the way I look. No matter how many times mother told me I had a beautiful face did I look any different in my own eyes.





I started taking dancing-lessons at five. It's been with me all the way and been a great help to clear my head and focus on other things. I got so good that at the school plays we started having little performances, and everybody loved it. That is one of the few things making me happy; to stand on a stage in front of an audience.





Soon we had three ballet classes at the school. Mam’zelle came along, and turned out to be a great teacher for all three of them. She always knows how to encourage her students. I was in the first class during my first, second and third year, then changed to the second class.





Now I’ve been in the third and best class for a year, with five lessons a week. I loved it. It used to be the one thing that cleared my head off everything else. But Bryn changed that. Now I know ballet can also be a burden.





“You can do it, Sally! Try once more!”





My eyes filled with silent tears as I sat down on the matt floor. I buried my head in my hands, feeling the blood rushing through my feet in the hard Pointe shoes.





“I can’t do it, Mam’zelle. I can’t.”





She sat down next to me and stroked my back.





“I know you will be able to. Just have confidence!”








All the other girls in my class figured there was something wrong that day. When I sat down and gave up on that exercise. When Mam’zelle escorted me to the changing room and had a long, nice chat with me about confidence.





Now the delayed autumn-show is coming up. I have been practising all summer. Mam’zelle has given me another ballet solo. And I know it will turn out disastrous. With my mood and my lack of determination, I’m bound to collapse on stage and turn as red as a tomato in front of a thousand students.





I’m going to be remembered as the failure of the year.





School ends in less than a week, and I know I’ll screw up.






















































































Chapter 2:





It was Saturday morning, and I constantly screwed up my eyes in pain. Lucy had dragged me out of bed an hour ago, and now I was lying almost dead on the orange settee in the corner of the sitting room of our apartment on Riverside drive. My eyes were red with flashing memories of constant partying and my lips were dry and cracked. Someone on the telly screamed about some detergent that could mow your lawn as well as cleaning your clothes.





“You so deserved that…” Hanna came over from the foyer, looking sternly at me. “That’s what you get when you’re hanging out with Julian Fisher when he’s drinking.”





“What?!” I yelled, but quickly calmed down, because my head just ached more when I spoke louder. “I didn’t go to bed with him like any other girl would do!”





Hanna threw it off. “I’m sure you would have if you’d had only one more sip… what got into you? You’re the owner, for crying out loud!”





I looked at her, my eyes poisonous.





“What about the owner of the other house? He wasn’t exactly sober either?”





Hanna just rolled her eyes and sat down next to me, wrapping her arms around my body. I didn’t bother looking at her; I stared instead at the half-open door of the kitchen. I wanted to eat something, anything.





“Sally… That was a bad, bad, BAD move. Do you even know what you did before we came and rescued you?” She whispered, keeping her voice down so I wouldn’t cry out in pain.





“Can’t say I do,” I sighed. “Unless James or anybody tells me...”





“Do you call him a reliable source? He had been drinking too, you know.”





“Yeah, well, he wasn’t drunk! He probably remembers. I’ll go ask him,” I said firmly, trying to get up without getting the feeling of a thousand knives burying into my body. I cleared my throat and pulled the blanket up to my shoulders. It was damn cold in there.





“Oh no, you’re not! I’m getting him down here, you can’t even stand up properly,” Hanna exclaimed, getting up and making sure I settled down again. “Be back in a moment…”














“It’s the party-girl!” Julian came over to me, singing in a cheerful voice.





“Get away, Julian, your decibel-level is a bit too high for me right now…” I murmured. I pulled my blanket over my head, covering my probably hideous-looking face.





“Ok, sorry,” he whispered and came to my level. “Anything I can do for the tired girl with the worst hangover?”





“A glass of water would be nice…” I yawned.





“A glass of water it is!” Julian yelled, smirking and dancing up and over the floor.





‘What’s with him today? He seems unnaturally happy… Ouch, that yell hurt…’





Gwyneth came over next holding a bowl of cornflakes in one hand and a napkin in the other. I didn’t get why I had to be so popular when I just wanted to hide away and sleep in the closest cupboard. She was looking tired as well, but not nearly as bad as I did.





“I’m surprised you’re still alive, Sally!” she said irritably. “Guess who dried up all the stuff you threw up last night?”





“Sorry,” I said, trying to reach out for a hug.





“Don’t think so, Sally… you still stink, I’m afraid. Don’t know what made me come over here in the first place!”





“Ah.” I blushed a little.





“Well, be glad you threw up, or you might have ended up in the hospital. You didn’t save any, to put it that way…”





“Hm… can I ask you a question?” I dared to say, still half-hiding my face.





“Sure, shoot,” Gwyneth smiled, sitting down at my feet.





“What did I … er… do when, well, you know… the alcohol had started running in my veins?” I forced out.





She pretended to be thinking.





“Hard to tell how many bottles you had, but it sure came up again after some hours. Before that you lost it completely, you just messed around like drunk people happen to do, you know?”





“Meaning?” I said firmly, sitting up as far as I could manage without passing out.





“Well... You noticed Julian being a little… happy this morning?” he began.





‘Holy mother of God! I couldn’t have… That’s not POSSIBLE… Please tell me I didn’t sleep with him… Anything but that… Oh my GOD!’





My mind was going berserk. My eyes were widened into a shocked expression, and I held my breath as Gwyneth continued.





“He made you… well… let’s just put it this way; you’ll slaughter him when you find out… that…”





“TELL ME!” I yelled, throwing myself down onto the couch again as the pain ate my brains out.





“Ok, Sally. He made you burn all the stories you’ve written for… well… practically every month up till now. Then you had a nice little twisted game of snap, ending with you sitting there in your underwear laughing like a little baby with your unfocused talking. When you were about to remove the straps of your bra, Hanna, Luce, Grace and I burst in and rescued you…”





‘What? Thank God they came in time… thank God I didn’t sleep with James… Or showed him my more intimate places… Oh, the relief!’





“And not to mention… You kind of went at it with James.”





‘NOOOOOOOOOoooooooo…’





“WHAT? What happened! Am I still a virgin? Gwyneth!!”





She laughed at my desperate reaction.





“I must say James impressed me. The poor chap stopped you when you were half-way through pulling his trousers off. You went mad, Sally!”





‘No, no, no… this isn’t happening!’





“Sally, be glad it ended there. Be happy there weren’t that many seeing you behave like that. Because that could cost you your position…”





I started crying. I was so super-sensitive these days it scared me.





“I’m sorry, Gwyneth! I promise I’ll never, ever drink again!” I sobbed into her grey shirt, soaking it.





“Maybe I’m not the one you should apologise to?” she whispered, pointing at James making his way down the stairs from the boys’ dorm. “By the way… could you back away a little? You still stink.”





James looked almost mad, like a dog longing for his prey. Don’t know how that expression came into mind, but that was exactly what he looked like.





“Sally, you should be damn happy. I think that’s about the first time I’ve managed to control myself, ever,” he groaned.





“I’m in awe,” I smiled, pulling him into a hug.





“You stink,” he whispered into my shoulder.





“I know, sorry about that,” I hissed.





“God, Sally! That was the hardest thing I ever did! You should be unbelievably thankful, because you weren’t exactly shy last night...”





“ James… calm down, you sound as if it was the end of the world!” Gwyneth exclaimed, and I put my hands over my ears.





“So… Why didn’t you stop me when I was about to strip playing exploding snap with Julian?” I said sternly to James. “You managed to keep me from shagging you just fine.”





“Sally… A bloke ought to have some fun, can’t let all chances pass by,” he smirked.





“Oh… you son of a--” I started, but James finished for me.





“*****, I know. After you’ve met my mum that phrase gets a whole new meaning. To me it’s not offensive at all. More of a compliment. Reminds me of the fact that I am such a fine young man even though I have a ***** for a mother.”





I rolled my eyes and rested my head on the couch again. My head was about to explode.





“By the way…” I said by second thought. “Did you get your way with March? I think you did because you were probably so turned on after rejecting me it got easier to have a go at her. Or were you just so pissed and ****** up you backed out? Which one is correct?”





James ignored me and turned away indignantly.





When I saw Julian coming with my water, I gave him the coldest of stares.





“You had better re-write all those stories over again that you made me blow up, Fisher! You evil big-headed twit!” I hissed.





“Who spilled…? Damn you, Gwyneth!”





The water in the glass he held ended up soaking Gwyneth’s face instead of easing my hangover…














I woke up three hours later from a refreshing nap. I rubbed my temple as was relieved to know it was slightly lighter than it had been earlier. I lay down again to sleep some more when I heard a conversation going on in the couch next to me. I peered my eyes open and noticed Julian and James sitting there.





“How far did you intend to go with Catherine yesterday, Julian?” James asked, interested.





“I don’t know, but she sure smashed her own bubble when she started whispering the names of other guys when we kind of got on the inside of things, you know… So it didn’t feel right to go any further,” he laughed.





“Oh? But if she hadn’t, would you have?” James continued.





“Probably not,” Julian said casually. “She wasn’t my type.”





“Too brutal and fierce for you? Figured that. At least she was better than her best friend? Don’t even remember the name of that girl…”





“Better? Nah, they were about the same. Catherine Lesley too brutal and Stephanie Gilhart too quiet. Quite the contrary team, don’t you think?”





“Uh-oh… Do you think Sally’s sleeping?” James stopped Julian.





I felt their eyes on me, and I made a satisfied, sleepy moan to make them think I was sleeping.





“She’s sleeping like an angel, believe me, after last night she could be sleeping through this century…” James smirked.





“Yeah, guess you’re right,” Matthew answered.





“Good job with… ahem… holding her at an arms length?” Julian chuckled.





“Don’t make me discuss that, Julian… that was killing me.”





Julian patted James on the back and probably gave him an evil stare.





“What exactly did she do?” Julian pushed. “I was busy in my corner…”





“You don’t want to know. If she did that to you, our beloved little Miss Sparrow would definitely not be a virgin any more,” he said slowly.





“I didn’t know for a fact that she was a virgin… How do you know?” Julian kept going.





James let out a relieved sigh when Julian picked an easier topic to discuss. Though I was not very happy about them discussing my virginity.





“It slipped some day when we were talking. That’s another reason I stopper her, it would be a shame if Sally’s first time should be when she was drunk, and with one of her childhood friends in addition. She’d probably throw up for the rest of her life just by the thought of it…”





Julian giggled softly.





“It’s good to know you care about her, James… As long as it stops there.”





“Don’t worry, Julian,” I heard James’ strangled voice, but obviously Julian didn’t. I pondered why.





‘What was that about? As long as it doesn’t go any further? Was I missing something here?





“So you think I’d have her if she did the stuff she did to you? Tell me!”





‘Don’t tell him, James… I don’t want to hear this…’ I thought desperately.





“No, I’m not telling.” James sat his foot down.





“Hey, James, what is this? We tell each other everything, right?” Julian complained.





“Yeah… but no… I’m not telling you this.”





“You’re going soft for her! I’m telling you!” Julian exclaimed, scandalized.





I almost gasped in surprise.





“What? No... I just don’t want anybody to know, because I know Sally wouldn't appreciate it if I told the whole world...” he assured Julian.





“It’s just me! Is it such a big deal? You’re obviously becoming trusted friends or what?” Julian said irritably.





“Yep, and that’s the way I intend to keep it. I’m keeping so many of Sally’s secrets now I know they’ll all spill if I tell you this one.”





“Go go go go go!! Tell me a tiny weenie one, and the big ones will come rolling along?” Julian said excitedly.





‘No, James… keep it together! Don’t you dare … wait a second… I could just wake up! He won’t tell then…’ The bright idea enlightened in my aching head.





I yawned and stretched my arms, and intended to have some fun… So I pretended to be sleep talking before I woke myself up.





“Oh, James, James. Wherefore art thou James? Deny thy father and refuse thy name!”





I opened my eyes and saw Julian’s face expression reflect pure shock. James was so red in the face I wanted to laugh out in amusement.





I yawned some more and looked over at the two boys.





“What’s with the faces? I know I look terrible, you don’t have to make a face at me…”





I smiled at them, knowing what was going through their minds.


















































Chapter 3





Somehow I felt that going to Julian’s house party was a big mistake. The second I entered the overcrowded, stuffy flat on 96th street; I felt something was going to go wrong.





Already I saw some boys who we knew from school slumped over the telly, moaning and babbling to some girls leaning on the bookcase. I bit my thumb and glanced towards the bar, fascinated. I didn’t want to repeat the hangover scenario, so I decided I’d take a virgin Piña Colada. I knew that Julian and James would be stricken if I even tried to look their way because of the “Oh, James, James” thing.





Technically I’d be the social butterfly right now, but all these people were from college or secondary school. I waved and hugged some old friends; ones that I had abandoned because of ballet. All of the chairs in the flat were taken by couples that I bet would have hated each other in school snogging their arses off.





I contemplated sitting down on the floor and watching some TV show called “Girl Gossip” or something like that. I decided against it.





I leaned on the doorframe and sighed deeply, running a pale hand through my wavy blonde hair. I felt like just sitting on the floor and sleeping, until I caught the hazel shine of some familiar eyes. James. I ****** my head and looked at him, a smile tugging gently at my lips. He tapped his fingers on the polished silver mantelpiece and mouthed, “Roof?” I furrowed my eyebrows, then nodded and followed him towards the door.





When we arrived, without a word I took off my sandals and dipped my feet into the light blue pool. He did the same.





“You can still talk to me, after what I did to you when I had a hangover?” I asked, splashing my feet in the pool a bit. James smiled and shook his head.





“Nobody’s perfect.” He said. I looked down at my maroon-coloured toes. “Nice toes.” he grinned and pointed at them. I nodded and wiggled them. A short moment of silence followed.





“Fancy a swim?” I asked him, grinning widely. He stared at me as if I was crazy.





“Um, Sally, we’re at Julian’s party, and, I’m not wearing my swimmers,” he said. He sighed, “I didn’t even bring swimmers.”





“So? Neither did I.” I giggled. His eyes widened and he mumbled incoherently. I rolled my eyes, and before he knew it, I pulled him under the water. When we finally rose up to the surface, sputtering and coughing, he looked at me indignantly.





“What’d you do that for?” he whined, rubbing the water out of his eyes. I giggled maniacally. I shrugged.





“You looked hot. I thought you might have needed a cold, refreshing bath.” I said plainly. He furrowed his eyebrows.





“You do mean that literally, or what?” he said worriedly. “...Because if Julian...” he trailed off and blushed scarlet.





“Because if Julian what?” I asked curiously.





“Forget it.” He mumbled.





I somehow felt very naked because my blue cotton shirt was sticking on so close to me you could pretty much see my bra, so I slid down so the water was up to my neck.





“See, there's the thing.” James said promptly. “I'm James Nightingale, but beyond that.... I just don't know, I literally do not know who I am. It's all untested. Am I funny? Am I sarcastic? Sexy?” he winked at me “Right old misery? Life and soul? Right-handed? Left-handed? A gambler? A fighter? A coward? A traitor? A liar? A nervous wreck? I mean, judging by the evidence I've certainly got a gob! And how am I gonna react when I see this? My best friend, all grown up. My best friend who is all grown up and certainly off-limits. Ah-ha. Which leaves us with a great, big, stinking problem, 'Cause I really don't know who I am. I don't know when to stop. So if I see my best friend all grown up –who is certainly off-limits- then I just wanna do this...” He inched closer to me and attacked me, like we used to at my grandmother’s pool. I laughed and grabbed onto his shoulders, but he swiftly turned around and caught my arms.





“Ha!” he yelled, as I struggled to break free. I pulled him underwater and jumped onto his back. He was turning around for a few seconds, unable to find me. I laughed hysterically.





“Oop!” I slipped off his back and into the water, making a big splash. I rose up to the surface to see James staring guiltily behind me. I turned around, puzzled, to see Julian, Gwyneth, Lucy, and half the partygoers staring at us in shock.





“You bastard!” shouted Julian to James

Is anyone willing to critique my story so far?
(First of all, people who critique your grammar and spelling should really check their own!)





Your is an elaborate story but, like everyone else has indicated, it seems to meander along to some unknown destination. In other words, where is the story going? What is the message?





It seems to me that you could use this as a good start to getting your words on paper-but not as a finished product.





Sometimes it helps to disect your work paragraph by paragraph--take a close look at the point of view and make adjustments accordingly. Do you think this might work for you as a "diary" of sorts??





Best,


Pamela Tyree Griffin, Editor of


http://joyfulonline.net


http://theshinejournal.com
Reply:can you post the rest of it??





i loveeeee it. Report It

Reply:To be completely honest, I only read the first paragraph and a bit... these are the most important words you can ever add to a novel, its what pulls a reader in.


First, you're completely lost when it comes to grammer and spelling.


Second, it's BORING! (No offence, sometimes constructive critisism is needed.)


Third, basically I feel I don't know what the point of reading it. Sure, my limbs are stressed or whatever, and this person has a busy schedule... it's not working out, its a horrible way to start a story.





I know this was/may have been completely rude but I just want to help, books are supposed to be enjoyable and if you want to make it, you need to know the basics as to whats wrong with your writing.
Reply:It's okay, and unlike the others I was sucked into it and read to the end.





However the scene with James? Totally taken from Doctor Who. I think you need to reread that and then rewrite it because it's almost word for word.





Apart from that it's well written and I felt sorry for Sally with all her troubles and stress - I can relate to that lol!





Keep writing!
Reply:Sorry but it just doesn't do enough to drag me into the story. Too much showing rather than telling. I want to know more about what's inside the characters. What you offer readers is very superficial. Dig deeper. Pax-C
Reply:I think you give too much detail in the first chapter. Start with some action, then explain.
Reply:Sorry, not doing it for me.



koffice