Holocaust poem i wrote myself please rate?

Tired, hungry and thirsty


He found himself sitting in a cell


Soon he was moved from camp to camp


Doing labor work until a lie gave him a brake


He said he was a shoemaker


He could have died because he lied


But for a bowl of soup he learned how to repair shoes


Tired, hungry, thirsty


On his trip to the gas chamber


Only a miracle could save his life


He overheard the officers say only four bullets left


They all ran for their lives


He was safe in the home of kind stranger


Until the S.S. officers came to find him


Running for his life once again


He hid in the woods until it was safe to return


He stayed with the family for three years


Doing what he could to repay them


He returned to his home to find


All of his relatives are dead


The only thing he has is a watch and ring








I stink at writting and I've never really written a peom before. I had to pick a story and write a narrative poem about it please critisize and tell me how to make it better thanks so much!

Holocaust poem i wrote myself please rate?
Remove this line: The only thing he has is a watch and ring





And fix the fact that some of it rhymes and some of it doesn't. "Died, lied" etc.
Reply:I think you should separate time laps in stanzas I think it is good the last line is really powerful but probably not true, he may have been able to smuggle a ring but not a watch through a camp and trip to gas chamber. How was he saved from the gas chamber because they did not have enough bullets? Is there a time laps? You have a good idea just need some revision.
Reply:1.)You might want to use less words, because it sounds too much like a regular story (you know, like when you read out loud out of a book). Or just have less in each line and have more lines.


2.) You need to change the common words you used to more descriptive and interesting words because it gets repititious and dull after a while.


3.) Stay in the same tense! You skipped around from past to present, which makes it confusing.


4.) Make sure you are spelling correctly. In the fourth line when you said "gave him a brake", you used the wrong kind of break. it should be the one that is spelled "break".


Other than that, it's a great poem! Sorry I was so critical; I've been writing poetry for half of my life and I can be very specific when it comes to other people's poetry.



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